


I Love You...I Know

by Bos05



Series: Fire and Ice [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Behind the Scenes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-02 09:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17261567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bos05/pseuds/Bos05
Summary: The discovery of Bernie's shirt sparks a much needed conversation between Magna and Yumiko. This takes place at Hilltop while getting settled, prior to Magna and Yumiko going to help Michonne and the encounter with the Whisperers.





	I Love You...I Know

"What the _hell_ is this?" Magna's voice cut low, her jaw jutting and knuckles turning bone white as slightly trembling hands gripped hard onto the edges of the bedroom dresser.

Yumiko swallowed, her brown eyes taking in the blatant tension in her girlfriend's outstretched arms. She let out a soft breath, her feet taking a single step closer, her arm slowly reaching out.

"Mag-"

"You were _there,_ Miko. You  _fucking Heard_ _me,_ so  _why_ _?"_ Yumiko's arm fell short of its intended mark, her hand dropped instantly to her side, at the cracked and graveled response; at the rumpled sleeve eyed hanging from out of their shared pack. She bit her lip.

"You know why," the whispered words sparked something deep within the brunette's chest, a fire quickly ignited, as Magna whipped around to fully face her. Yumiko surveyed the wadded up button-up clenched tightly in her shaking hand.

" **I** **DON'T** **NEED** **THIS** **AS** **A** **REMINDER** **OF** - **OF** -"

"Of what?" Yumiko took another small step forward, her brow furrowed and her lips pulled downward into a knowing frown. "That he lived, Magna. That...that he was with us _well_ before Coalport."

Magna felt a lump rising within her throat, expanding— _hardening_ —with each passing second; subsequently choking and preventing the passing of air from her lungs.

"That he was a sarcastic _pain_ _in_ _the_ _ass_ that actually had worse jokes than Luke."

A hum started to sound in the brunette's ears, and her chest began to heave; her body struggled to take in sufficient breaths as the humming grew louder and  _louder_. **Louder**. GOD, sh...she couldn't...she couldn't **BREATHE**. It was-

"That h-"

"Stop," Magna quietly- _quietly_ pleaded, her eyes slammed instinctively, protectively shut. "Jus-jus _stop_ ," she struggled in vain to steady herself; to prevent herself from teetering—going over the edge. Her chest continued to heave.

Yumiko licked her lips, daring to close the distance between them by taking the final step forward. She sighed, her eyes momentarily cutting to the floor in her own personal reverie.

“You’re not the only one who lost him, Mag," Yumiko finally whispered aloud, her hand moving carefully to brush a stray lock of hair behind her girlfriend's ear. "You don't get monopoly on grief."

The brunette's eyes opened to the feather light touch and salty tears could be seen welling—threatening to push over the precipice at any given second. She just... **she** **didn't** **understand**.

Magna sniffled, her stomach dropping and chest clawing at the bubbling confession; her chapped lips violently trembling as the dam finally managed to break free and hot tears started to track down her face.

"’s my fault," her voice quivered into a pained whisper; her shoulders wracking and her legs giving out in earnest—dropping her heavily onto the wooden floor beneath her.

Yumiko released a slow, shaky breath at the sight—her own heart twisted—as she eyed the brunette wrapping her leaden arms around her legs and tucking her head; the black shirt still clutched tightly in her hand.

"Magna," Yumiko's hand moved across her face and her body lowered to sit down onto the floor in front of her.

“Mag," her voice softly pleaded,  _begging_ the brunette to allow herself this one opportunity to open up; to truly talk about things and not stubbornly wall everything in. Yumiko's calloused hand moved to Magna’s shaking shoulder in the moment, gripping as a way of tethering; of letting her know that she wasn't alone in all of this; that she was her partner and that she didn't have to shoulder all of the burdens and responsibilities on her own.

"Hey," Yumiko whispered, her body scooting ever closer. She moved to place a tender kiss to the top of the brunette's head before running her hands up and down her arms in a comforting motion. "Look at me," the gentle but firm request was somehow miraculously granted as Magna's head slowly lifted and red-rimmed eyes looked deep into her own.

Yumiko jutted her jaw, pausing at the very path she knew that she had to take. She swallowed thickly, consciously pushing down the growing lump in her own throat.

"Did you flag the sickos in our direction that day? Did you cause them to form a herd when they attacked?" Yumiko's hands moved to Magna's face—thumbs wiping gingerly at the still flowing tears.

"Did you cause Bernie to drop his knife; trip; break formation? To-"

"I could have done _SOMETHING_ ," Magna’s face scrunched in deep seeded guilt. She could have set more alarms; could have motioned for their camp to move out earlier—they couldn't afford getting too comfortable being in one place for too long. "I-"

"You did," Yumiko nodded firmly in assurance, her definitive tone drawing back eyes that had drifted off to the side. Her thumbs stilled at Magna's face and her hands moved to tuck more stray locks of hair behind her ears before coming to find purchase on her shoulders.

"You did. You taught us how to fight together as a group, and we did. We _all_ did. We fought like hell for each other to try and survive."

Yumiko bit her lip, seeing as Magna shook her head; the wet press of tears still on her face.

“There’s nothing else that could've been done," Yumiko's heart ached at the mere extent of the situation, knowing it wasn't other humans or hubris they had faced that day; it was just the world in which they lived in. "I don't blame you. Luke, Connie, Kelly—they don't blame you. And _Bernie_ , if h...if he were here, he wouldn't either. What happened wasn't anyone's _fault_. The circumstances—they were out of our control. It just...it _happened_."

Yumiko's lips tugged upward into a fleeting, melancholic smile. "All we can do now is to try like hell to keep moving forward in all of this; to try and live our best lives as a way of honoring those who have gone before us; to remember those we've lost along the way, including Bernie." Yumiko’s hands lowered from Magna's shoulders to her hands—squeezing them gently before permissively releasing the black button up from her iron clasp; coming to set it onto the floor between them.

...

...

...

...

...

  
Yumiko found herself enveloped in thick, weighted silence: listening as her girlfriend's staccato of tears quietened to a hush; watching as the backs of her slightly trembling hands wiped at the last remaining traces of wetness on her face; noticing as her bloodshot eyes gazed and burnt a hole into an undetermined spot on the floor between them.

"Mag?" Yumiko’s voice raised in question, taking note as the brunette chewed heavily on her bottom lip.

Magna's brow furrowed and she struggled in clearing the rough gravel from her throat. She shook her head.

"I... _I_ _can't_ _lose_ _you_ ," her voice crumbled out, her lips pulled into a tight, thin line. Yumiko's heart jumped rapidly to her throat as her puffy red eyes looked up—emoting a flash of fear and conveying a raw sense of openness and vulnerability that she was rarely accustomed to seeing.

All of the buildup: the recent loss of Bernie; Miko being injured; seeing her wheeled off to the infirmary where she could not follow; seeing her lying on the cot, IV stuck in hand. All of the events flashed to the forefront of Magna's mind, forcing her to try and work through the myriad of emotions rather than simply pushing them down or lashing out in frustration and anger. Yes, it hurt— _deeply_ —the loss of Bernie. And, yes—she was currently struggling in holding it together for her group. But, if she couldn't protect them—if she...if she lost Miko—then-

"Hey. Hey, why so glum, chum?" Yumiko's voice pulled Magna from her deprecation and brought her back to the present, her eyebrows slightly quirked. "I'm right here, and you can't get rid of me that easily. Seeing as to how long it took for you to actually acknowledge that we were...well, _us_ , you're kind of stuck with me for a while."

Yumiko knew her joke fell instantly flat, failing to disperse the weight of the already weighted situation. They both knew very damn well that the odds of their survival were exponentially stacked against them; knowing it was a rarity to be alive amongst the sea of the walking dead. They just didn't talk about it openly.

The brunette shook her head, her lips failing to pull up into even a forced smile. The damn lump was back. "I'm serious."

"I know."

Magna sucked in a staggered breath, her heart slamming against her ribs. " _I_ _love_ _you_."

“I know," Yumiko acknowledged the breathless confession. She knew that while Magna didn't voice it freely, her actions still spoke louder than words.  
  
"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you," Magna internally winced at the thought. "I can't," her shoulders sagged and her head wreaked havoc on her heart, knowing that there was a darkness hidden deep down inside of her that no one else knew about; that it was constantly being shoved down—kept tightly inside of a box. And, if she lost Miko—her presence; comfort; her grounding—she was afraid that she would lose herself in the process; afraid that the darkness would overwhelm to the point where she would be no better than the sickos walking amongst them. Or worse, she would become another empty soul—one of the many examples of the loss of humanity that they had encountered along their weary travels.

Yumiko carefully waded, knowing that they were destined to have this conversation sooner rather than later; it was inevitable. And, while she knew that she had come to terms with her own mortality long ago, she also knew that while there were benefits in keeping your heart open—to hope...to love—while in the apocalypse, there were also risks and repercussions; the heavy weight of loss being one of them. The raven haired was very familiar with the fears that Magna was currently expressing as similar thoughts had made camp in the recesses of her mind as well.  
  
"You...you can _lose_ me, Mag."

"No," she firmly shook her head, her brown eyes stinging. "No, I-"

"Yes," Yumiko tenderly cut her off, her head nodding in affirmation. “You can. You _can_ lose me. And, if it happens, yes: it would _hurt_ like hell; hurt to the point where you questioned if you could even get up—if there was going to be a tomorrow. But...but after mourning, after the dust had settled, you would come to find that the sun would rise again. And, you would find it in yourself to stand—brush yourself off—and keep going, because _you_ _have_ _to_."

Yumiko's hand moved from her lap, coming to gingerly cup the brunette's cheek. Miko felt her heart tug as Magna subconsciously leaned into the touch, and her lips pulled upward into a small smile.

"You would keep moving, because you're a survivor—a protector. And, you would do everything in your power to keep your loved ones safe. It’s who you are. And, you may _blatantly_ deny it. You may not see it, but I do, Magna.  _I do,_ " Yumiko slowly leaned forward, her eyes closing shut at the feel of their foreheads pressed closely together.

Yumiko found solace in the rare moment of stillness, and she silently shot up prayers to whichever deity would hear her; thanking them tenfold that while uncomfortable she was while having this conversation, she was grateful to be alive and present to have it in the first place. She was here—with her family—with Magna.

...

...

...

...

...

  
"You know, you can be a bit corny at times," the brunette's soft remark managed to lure Yumiko away from her self-reflection, and she let out a quiet chuckle; Magna could feel as her girlfriend shook her head—could feel the soft puffs of breath on her face.

Yumiko pulled back just enough to look her square in the eyes, a single eyebrow raised in challenge. "Perhaps. But, if you tell somebody, I'll kill you myself."

Though she deadpanned, Magna watched as the corners of Yumiko's lips turned slowly upward; her chest swelling at the sight—at the banter—at everything that was Miko...her Miko. Magna felt her own lips tugging upward.

"No, I'm pretty sure you're stuck with me for a while. You said so yourself."

"Yeah?" Yumiko's breathless quip sounded in Magna’s ears, causing a shiver to run down her spine. She swallowed, her eyes cutting permissively to chapped lips.  
  
"Yeah," Magna whispered aloud, her head nodding and body inching forward to achingly close the gap between them. Her eyes closed instantly at the feeling of Yumiko's lips pressed softly on her own; at the gentle and soothing kisses and the feeling of calloused hands cupping her face; at the feel of...of coming home. _God_ , _she_ _loved_ _her_.

Magna's eyes fluttered open to feather light kisses to her forehead, to hands that moved and gripped onto her shoulders, and to breathless pants.

"Not that I don't wish for this to continue, but w-we should probably stop," Yumiko choked down lust, swallowing and practicing restraint.

"One, the guards outside the door. But two, we should probably find Luke and the others. They already went out with Tara. We should find out ways to earn our keep," Yumiko's arms reluctantly retracted to her sides, assisting in pushing her up onto shaky legs. Her hands moved and smoothed out her pant legs before she extended her hand to the brunette.

"Yeah," Magna agreed responsibly, accepting Yumiko’s assistance in pulling her onto her feet. Magna took a moment to get a hold of her bearings, her hands pushing at her rolled up sleeves.

"Let's go," she voiced quietly, the two picking up in familiar sync as their feet headed towards the door in unison. Her eyebrow raised in question though as Yumiko stopped—her hand frozen on top of the door knob.

"I...I do, you know," Yumiko turned around to look at her—her brown eyes peering. Magna tilted her head.

"What?"

"I love you too."

A small smile formed on Magna’s face; her heart flipped.

"I know," the intimate confession between them dissipated; their looks instantaneously hardened as Yumiko's hand turned the door knob and they walked outside.


End file.
